The Broken Man – A Monologue

You think I care if you think what I did was wrong? You think I give a rat’s ass? About you, or those people, or the other cops who’ll be hosing the road with Coke to get the blood stains out? Lemme tell you – I don’t give a FUCK! You don’t get to tell me what’s wrong-I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT OR WRONG!!! My net monthly worth is worth than your yearly taxes. I am a businessman! Before you called me down here, I was convincing some dumbass to take out another mortgage on his house because he looks slimmer in a Porsche! I graduated from university without having to hit a stationary target, so YOU CAN’T FUCKING LECTURE ME ON DOING THE WRONG THING!

…I am not a bad person… You wanna hang me for what I did? You’d send me to hell in a  speedboat for the things I wanted to do…to my ex, to my old boss, to the dumbass who swerved in front of me with his ugly-ass Tiida, to…you… I’m sure my mother’s proud of me now, that evil cunt, I’m sure she’s proud now because she wasn’t then!

I always wondered…do you ever…I always wondered what happened for a man to want to…to snuff someone out… That’s what it is, isn’t it? Seeing the light at the back of their eyes go out, feeling the breath leave their… You wanna know? You take a kid, not too old at all, and treat him like he’s not yours and like he’s nothing special. Don’t smile when he says he learned something new at school, don’t get upset when some other kid skins his knee in a fight, put the little shit in the naughty corner for fucking with your cassette player – only he didn’t fuck with your cassette player, it’s not even fucked with – and then watch him absolutely fuck with your cassette player while you’re sleeping because that should even things out, right? Don’t let it even things out…and put the kid in the naughty corner for every little thing that his younger brother does – it works better if he has a cuter and more talented younger brother who almost came out stillborn or some equally dramatic shit – and just keep letting the cute, talented, evil fucker destroy the world and put the brother in the naughty corner. Eventually he gets over it…nope…he gets over himself, because he’s not fucking over it, but it can’t be anything personal, because she’s the woman’s son for heaven’s sake! So he keeps getting over himself, until a family member – it has to be a family member, grandmother ideally – passes away, and you…you…she put me in the naughty corner for it…for being the last to talk to her before she passed away. After that, I was worthless, I was stupid, I was… I am not a bad person…am I?

Do you know what a cat does when it’s on fire? I think it’s funny now, when I – I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s funny…it’s funny! It kinda jumps around, because it’s trying to jump out of the fire, right? But it doesn’t work, because the fire isn’t around them, it’s on them…but they don’t know that yet, they just know that this shit hurts and they want to go somewhere it doesn’t hurt. And then the hurt kinda sets in, and that’s important. But cats only know how to, like, scratch themselves, so it’s scratching the itch of being on fucking fire…but it doesn’t work…and she looks at someone, anyone, there that she thinks could scratch the itch for her…with all this pain in her eyes, but…but it’s too late. She’s dead.

Her name was Lily. An all-white cat, imagine that… One afternoon, my mother kinda jokingly says that if she had the chance, she would’ve aborted me and I would’ve aborted her! But I’m a good boy. So I nod where she wants me to nod, and I smile where she wants me to cry because she will not get to see me cry…and this time, I went in my room…and I cried. I couldn’t…I couldn’t do it anymore….I really couldn’t…I could not fathom another day looking into my mother’s eyes and nodding and smiling and going in the naughty corner and then kissing the woman goodnight…but she was not going to get the satisfaction of aborting me, and I wasn’t getting the satisfaction…

I am not a bad person…I am not a bad person! I never hurt my mother, or my brother, or that bitch – do you know she cheated on me? With a guy from my fucking high school. Yeah. And then called and told me he was an asshole. Yeah… I am not a bad person. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!!! I just…woke up this morning and I…couldn’t do it anymore…

I just wanna go…go where Lily is… If I say I did it, what they’re going to do to me…will I end up where Lily is?

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